


The perks of living with Harry Potter: A memoir by Draco Malfoy

by Augen (grauenaugen)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Animagus, Auror Harry Potter, Crack, Domestic, Drabble, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Healer Draco Malfoy, Humor, M/M, The Noble and Most Ancient House of Black, This is just silly, i hope i can tag as humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 08:20:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29947134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grauenaugen/pseuds/Augen
Summary: A series of drabbles about the domestic life of Draco Malfoy living with Harry Potter and everything that entails: Sirius, Teddy, Kreacher, overgrown deadly chickens, troll's snot, snakes... you know, the usual. Just crack and a little fluff. This is just silly.
Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter
Comments: 14
Kudos: 45





	1. Overgrown chicken

**Author's Note:**

> Timeline inaccuracies in my fanfic? It's more likely than you think.
> 
> I am trying to improve my English, so I'm writing fanfics because why not? Please let me know if you find errors so I can fix them and learn! Thank you for reading.

"Harry, why is there a hippogriff in my living room?"

" _Your_ living room?" Harry said. Draco rolled his eyes while dropping his bag in the chair at his left. "Last time I checked this was _my_ house."

"Oh, _your_ house. Very well then, I'll leave you, your house and... your hippogriff alone. Kreacher!" The old house-elf apparated with a loud crack. "I am sorry to bother you, but could you be a dear and pack my belongings? Since this is Mr Potter house and I am not welcomed anymore."

Now Harry was rolling his eyes and Kreacher muttering something that sounded a lot like "not again."

"Kreacher, don't. _Our_ house, you git." Draco smiled pleased until the creature spread its wings and knocked an old and expensive vase his mother gifted him and that Harry hates.

"Again, why is there a hippogriff in our living room?"

"He is not _a_ hippogriff."

Harry finally lose it, Draco thought.

"I'm sorry, what's an overgrown chicken doing here and I want the truth."

"It's not a chicken, he's Buckbeak!"

"Oh, Buckbeak, welcome to our... Buckbeak? The one who nearly killed me in third year? YOU BROUGHT A MURDEROUS CREATURE INTO OUR HOME?"

The hippogriff shriek.

"Aww, he remembers you!"

"If you excuse me, I'll be at my Mother's." Draco disapparated with a soft pop.

Harry raised his hand and caressed Backbeak's head.

"Don't worry about him, he is a little... prickly at first, but under the many many... _many_ layers of git-ness, lays a soft and lovely man... with a fear of birds. But you are no bird!"

Buckbeak looked at him with big orange eyes and if hippogriffs could make faces, a suspicious look.


	2. Wet dog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am trying to improve my English, so I'm writing fanfics because why not? Please let me know if you find errors so I can fix them and learn! Thank you for reading.

"Harry, is it necessary that your... Godfather sleeps on the sofa?"

"He likes to be close to the fire, he was very cold after he came inside."

"Yes, I can imagine," Draco said looking at his boyfriend reading The Daily Prophet in the red armchair next to the fire and the sofa, feet over the coffee table. "My question is why is he sleeping _wet_ in his _dog_ form on the sofa?"

"He likes to sleep curled? Apparently is surprisingly comfortable and warm. Have to take his word." Harry said nonchalantly. "Did you heard? Krum is postponing his retirement again! Draco? Draco, where are you?" 

He heard a loud bang of a closing door, their bedroom's, that woke Sirius who looked around, yawned showing all his white teeth and... smiled to him before falling asleep again. Harry snorted and walked the stairs.

"Draco. Draco, cmon! It's just a sofa, I'll clean it later! He says is more comfortable than his bed." 

The latch clicked and his boyfriend shoved a pillow to his face.

"Lucky you, Potter, since you are sleeping there tonight." He closed the door in Harry's nose.

"What the...? No! DRACO, THIS IS MY ROOM TOO, DRACO!"

"AND YOU BETTER GET RID OF THAT HIDEOUS WET DOG SMELL BY MORNING!"


	3. Troll's snot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am trying to improve my English, so I'm writing fanfics because why not? Please let me know if you find errors so I can fix them and learn! Thank you for reading.

Draco Malfoy moved his wand and the blue teapot levitated to his mother's cup, refilling it, while his father helped himself with another macaron from the tray before biting it without leaving any crumbs.

"Lucius, please! Those are for Harry and Draco. You already ate half a dozen back in the Manor and many more while we were in Paris!"

Draco concealed a smile behind his teacup while Lucius flushed the tiniest bit. The sweet tooth was a Malfoy family trait that Narcissa, as Black first and foremost, never shared.

"I am simply making sure they are as good as the store clerks promised, we spend quite a bit."

"Let him, Mother, macarons au chocolate are Father's favourite after all". 

Lucius smiled triumphantly, bringing another one to his mouth but stopping middle way when a loud pop distracted him.

Harry Potter, The Boy Who Lived, apparated in front of them covered in a smelly gel-like green substance. 

"Harry! What happened to you? What is that thing?" Draco said worrying and standing up.

"You don't want to touch me, really. It's um... oh, Lucius, Narcissa, I didn't know you were back in London... um... Hullo?"

"Hello, Harry, always a pleasure to see you." She said kindly although the smell was clearly noticeable since her nose was twitching a little. "Right, Lucius?" his boyfriend's father just nodded, lying.

"Um... so I will... leave you to catch up and... yes."

"Harry Potter, what in Morgana's tits is that? Do I have to floo you to St Mungo?"

"Draco, language." Narcissa said.

"NO! No, it's fine. I'm fine... um... we had this mission, you see, and... things got mucky... the showers at work were all occupied and I really need a shower right now so I came straight home. But it's nothing dangerous, I'm fine!"

"What. is. it?"

"Troll's snot," Harry said quickly.

The Malfoys gasped in unison putting on a disgusting face.

"Potter, are you telling me you are leaving troll's snot on the parquet? For Salazar's sake! Kreacher! Clean this and take Potter to the shower. The bad one!"

Kreacher disapparated with a loud crack taking Harry with him, a minute later the floor was all cleaned.

Draco pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to stay calm. His parents never visited him. Never! But of course Potter chooses that day to appear covered in mucus in the middle of their living room disrupting their afternoon tea.

"It is always a pleasure to remember that the Malfoy name is dying out because of your... taste in men who bathe in mucus."

"He's an Auror, Father, this is part of his job."

"Yes, an Auror, that makes it _all_ better."

"Mother, please say something."

"Lucius, don't use this unforeseen situation as an excuse to eat the macarons. And Draco... sorry, love, he's covered in troll's mucus and is simply disgusting but if that's what appeals to you..." Now was Lucius' turn to concealed a smile behind his teacup.

It's not, he wants to argue back, but he knows too well his love for Harry is bigger than his... disgust for Harry. 

At least it matches his eyes.


	4. Hiss you later

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am trying to improve my English, so I'm writing fanfics because why not? Please let me know if you find errors so I can fix them and learn! Thank you for reading.

Idiots. Draco was surrounded by idiots. How difficult can it be to read a very big, very clear sign that reads DO NOT ENTER the room when potions are being brewed? Of course Aurors don't care, they just lash out against everything and everyone must do as they please because they are _the law_. 

Half the law is now in St Mungo because the idiots needed veriseratum right away to interrogate a guy who did absolutely nothing that significant. A murder? Sure thing, Draco can understand that. But trying to get into Gringotts? Please, his boyfriend has done that before and the lot work for him now!

The work of a month. A MONTH! Was destroyed and he has to get all the ingredients and permits again because the big bad Death Eater cannot simply buy them without at least five signatures.

He just wants to get home, change clothes, take a bath and make himself a nice warm cup of tea. Maybe tea and bath at the same time, warm inside and out. Yes, that sounds perfect.

He apparated home, said Hello to Kreacher and asked him to get the bath ready. The house-elf obliged while Draco changed into Harry's joggers and an old t-shirt. Then went to the kitchen and Kreacher greeted him with tea and pastries.

"You are the second best living thing in this house, Kreacher."

"Master Draco is very gentle."

He ate another pastry and took the tea with him to the bathroom. He undressed quickly and dipped in the lavender water full of bubbles. Then lazily moved his wand to bring the floating teacup closer. Finally everything was ok.

"Wonderful," he said while closing his eyes. "I really needed this."

"Hssss." A contentment sound said.

"Mmm, yes." He agreed while humming. 

Wait. 

Something moved the waters and Draco felt a cold shiver run down his spine. He slowly opened his eyes and there it was. 

A snake. 

A big bloody snake was looking at him with glassy black eyes. He froze. And gulped. 

"Kreacher! Just help me before Draco gets home!" he heard Harry's voice muted by the walls. 

"Master Draco is already home, Master Harry. He is taking a bath upstairs."

"Bollocks," Harry said and Draco could hear his quick steps.

Of course. Of. Fucking. Course.

The snake moved around, curling itself, making soft waves that moved the bubbles around.

Harry opened the door.

"Draco! You're home... Oh, you have company."

"Company? I have _company_?! What the actual fuck, Potter? Why is there a big snake taking a bath with me?" He sounded angry, but besides his mouth, Draco wasn't moving a centimetre.

"Yes. Um. I can explain... um... you see, this is Amanda. She's a... um... suspect?"

The snake hissed strongly, rising her head rapidly.

"I mean, not you! Sorry, your owner."

"Harry! Stop talking with the snake!"

"Sorry, parseltongue, I don't know when I am... um... speaking like that."

"Yes, The Golden Boy has many talents. TELL. HER. TO. LEAVE."

"I can't? Her owner is a suspect and she wasn't nice to the people at the Ministry so she tagged along? I am trying to convince her to give me some info."

Of course. Of. Fucking. Course.

"That's all very nice. But I don't like taking baths with snakes. Can you take her out?"

"Um. Yes, right." Harry looked at the snake and resumed the conversation. The snake replied, but it wasn't moving and Harry doesn't sound pleased.

"Um. Draco. She kinda likes you and asks if... um."

"What?" Draco sighed. 

"If she can keep you company? She promised to behave and gave me the info later if you let her."

"You must be kidding me."

"Yeah no. She says..." He cleared his throat and the snake hissed again. "That you look very pretty and your hair is shiny. She likes shiny things."

Draco was surrounded by idiots, his boyfriend -who speaks with snakes, by the way- brought one with a criminal record to their home and now is asking him to take a bath with her because she fancies him. A wanted snake fancies him. Draco hates his life.

"No."

"She just likes warm water! Right, Amanda?"

The snake hissed back and curled down again, placing her head in the edge of the tub, looking at Draco.

"No. And if you don't take her right now I will file a divorce."

"We aren't married, Draco."

"And never will be. That's it. KREACHER! KREACHER, VANISH THIS ANIMAL!" He screamed, still not moving an inch.

Kreacher obliged. 

"No, Kreacher, she's delicate! Where did you leave her?"

"Kreacher did what Master Draco asked. Kreacher left the dreadful creature in the living room." Harry ran downstairs.

"Thank you, Kreacher. Have I ever tell you you are the best living thing in this house?"

"Miss Cissy's son is very kind to Kreacher." And then he disapparated with a loud crack. 

Draco wonders if shagging Harry Potter is really worth it.


	5. Snakes, popcorn and vampire slayers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am trying to improve my English, so I'm writing fanfics because why not? Please let me know if you find errors so I can fix them and learn! Thank you for reading.

A shiver ran down Draco's back, something cold was caressing his forearm.

"Mmm... Harry." He said moving a little, his bed was soft, warm and comfortable and he was having a lovely dream. 

A sunny day, reading in a wooden beach chair by the seashore in Nize, soft breeze, Harry swimming and smiling in the water, calling him, looking wonderful in those green trunks. 

The caress now moving upwards in his left leg.

"Harry... mmm... love, I'm tired."

The cold touch was now curling in his wrist.

"Love, we are not 19 anymore, I need to sleep," He said yawning. "And you are cold... and weirdly textured... wait..."

Draco turned to lean on his back and on top of him, staring, a giant snake.

"Harry!" The man fumbled. "Harry, wake up!" 

Harry pulled the blanket.

"Harry James Potter, wake up this minute!"

"What now? sleepy" he said groggily.

"Your snake is all over me."

"Mmm I'm not that hung, dear, but thanks for the compliment. Now keep dreaming... "

"What? Not. What?!" He said flushing, but the snake was still very much there with its tongue creeping close.

"Harry, this is not the time for..."

"Draco, I'm tired. You know you can always bottom if you ask but please, not tonight... AUCH! Why did you punch me with your bony elbow?" He said finally grabbing his glasses and sitting.

Ah yes, Amanda is in the bed, curled around Draco's legs.

"Potter, in Merlin's name, do tell me why is there a snake on our bed?"

"I don't know." He said looking confused. "Why are you here, Amanda?" He hissed.

The snake hissed back, making Draco's skin crawl. Being afraid of snakes is a little embarrassing for a Slytherin, but after years of living with Nagini, who was very fond of eating people, his Slytherin pride can go fuck itself.

"She likes you."

"What? No. NO! BAD SNAKE!" He said shoving her off and jumping out of the bed. "I'm scared of snakes but this is too much, Harry! Hippogriffs! Snakes! Wet dogs! Troll's snot when my parents are home! And now a bloody two meters long snake is groping me while I'm sleeping? Are you nuts?"

"Oh please! She is not groping you, Draco, she's a snake. Maybe she was cold."

"She's a cold-blooded animal!" 

The snake hissed again. Perfect! Now he offended the slippery beast.

"She says your skin looked soft and wanted to touch it." 

"So she _was_ groping me!"

"She's right though," Harry said smiling at him with heavy-lidded eyes.

"Don't make that face. It's not funny. Snakes aren't supposed to act like that!"

"Well, love, you are _very_ sexy..."

"Shut. it."

Harry sighed and stood up, looking for his shoes. 

"Draco, please. It's just until the case is close. We still have no clue of her owner's whereabouts, it's like she vanished! We looked everywhere, her house, the registers and Amanda it's the only one who can help us."

Draco pinched the bridge of his nose. This is absurd. The whole DMLE is boonkers! Asking criminal and gropy snakes to do their job! Wait...

"Registered..."

"What now?" Harry said levitating the very heavy snake out of the bed.

"This is not how snakes act, Harry. And her owner vanished without leaving any trace... what if she _is_ the owner?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm saying that we know _some_ animagus that _aren't_ registered and criminals are not inclined to follow the rules or do the legal thing."

He said grabbing his wand and casting a quick spell. A tiny ball of light followed the snake that was trying to escape. The animal was transfigured into a tall and thin woman with long hair and pasty skin.

Harry gasped and Draco grabbed a blanket, curling it around himself as if trying to cover his body.

"What are you waiting for? Catch her! It's your job!"

Yes, Harry is an Auror.

"Oh boys, this is not necessary. I can help with the case, I said I would!"

"You try to touch me while I was asleep."

"No, nono, _a_ snake was looking for a comfy place to sleep... you see, snakes are very delicate creatures."

"Are you kidding me?"

The woman sighed, changing her soft winy voice to a cold and husky one.

"You looked so soft the other day in the bathroom, all pale and long..."

"Stupefy! I will take her to testify immediately and she will not leave Azkaban." Harry said while walking down the stairs, levitating the woman behind him. The last thing Draco heard was the floo fire.

Well, now his night is ruined and he's no longer tired.

"Since when are you here?"

A tall man with long hair entered the room. Sirius Black put away his wand in the pockets of his pyjama pants, a red one covered with dog bones that Harry gave him last Christmas as a joke, but, as everything Harry did, was cherished by his Godfather.

"Woke up when you screamed Harry's name. I didn't want to interrupt if something... private was happening but then there was another voice."

"Oh great, thank you for the help! But I was asking since when are you in the house." Draco said arranging the pillows and rummaging through the blankets until he found the remote and turned the tv on.

"Around lunchtime? Moony and Tonks weren't home and I wasn't in the mood for cooking so I came here."

Godfathers that eat his food, animagus dogs, animagus snakes! Draco sighed, resigned to his current life. He can't complain either, strictly speaking, the house belongs to Sirius.

"Care to join me?" He said settling in bed and waving his wand.

Sirius looked at him in the eye.

"You closed the floo and the wards? Snake-woman is not coming back, don't be a scaredy-cat."

"Not what I asked." Sirius sighed.

"Can I be in dog form?"

"Can I pet your ear?" Draco deadpanned, he can't help it, he likes animals and Sirius's ears as a dog are so soft. Teddy can pet him, Draco should be able to do it too.

"Once."

"Deal." Draco nodded while Sirius arrange the pillows and cushions forming something reminiscent of a nest.

"What are we watching?"

"Buffy. Kreacher!" The house-elf apparated. "I know it's late, but could you bring me popcorn and a glass of elf-wine? Sirius, something for you?"

"Elf-wine in a bowl is fine."

"A bowl? Oh yes, dog. Elf-wine in a bowl it is. And something for you too, Kreacher."

"Master Draco is very kind." He said and disapparated with a loud crack sound.

Sirius transfigured himself and the big black dog curled at the centre of the pillow nest. Draco pressed play and the tv showed the vampire slayer walking beside a tall man with platinum hair and chiselled face dressed in a long black leather coat.

"She better chose Spike, Angel is boring and not as handsome." He said at the same time Kreacher apparated with popcorn and elf-wine, the bowl floating next to Sirius. The dog looked at him and if dogs could roll eyes, he would have done it.

"What? I'm not saying it because he has a hair colour similar to mine... he is a better character."

Sirius, Kreacher and Draco watched the episode silently and then another. In the middle of that one, a loud bang in the door and screams that sounded like "Draco! Open the door! The wards don't let me in and the floo is close! DRACO! Draco, it wasn't my fault."

The blond cast a silencing charm in the room and Harry's voice wasn't audible anymore.

"What?" He said at the dog and house-elf giving him the eye. "He likes Angel!" 

His companions nodded and turned to watch the episode again. Harry can apparate at the Granger-Weasly house any time of day... or night. Besides Sirius and Kreacher could let him in if they wanted. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sirius lives with Lupin, Tonks and Teddy because he hates Grimmauld Place, but he visits frequently because loves Harry, and since he is very much alive, he is still the rightful owner of the house.


	6. Wolf baby and fairy tales

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am trying to improve my English, so I'm writing fanfics because why not? Please let me know if you find errors so I can fix them and learn! Thank you for reading.

Draco was finally home after the longest work shift. Being a healer is great, after all, he is the only one who made it that year and is the apprentice of one of the most capable men he has worked with... but he knows all the potions! and they don't allow him to "improvised". He is not improvising, Severus taught all that already and he was an excellent teacher, no matter what Ronald or Harry say, thank you very much. Plus, he was certain they make his work harder because of the Dark Mark. But again, not many have the opportunity to be a healer trainee for the Aurors Department.

He sighed. A warm bath - without snakes - is all he needs.

"Hullo, Edward," Draco said walking past the boy sitting on the carpet of his living room.

Wait a minute.

"Edward? What are you doing here? Where is Harry? Harry! HARRY?"

Teddy smiled brightly and waved a parchment paper. Draco got hold of it and read.

' _Urgent work stuff. Robards floo-called. Teddy home. Brb._ '

"The fuck." 

A soft gasp. 

"Shit." 

Louder gasp. 

He is not cut out to deal with babies.

"He left you all alone? A four-year-old?"

Teddy's brown hair started to get slightly lighter and a loud crack was heard.

"Master Draco, Master Potter is out and Kreacher is taking care of the Wolf-baby."

"Really? Where were you just now?"

"Kitchen. Wolf-baby wants cocoa."

Draco sighed again. No warm bath for him. Bloody Potter, he can't leave Kreacher in charge! He hates children! He calls him Wolf-baby, for Morgana's sake.

"Cocoa is perfect. I'll stay with Edward while you prepare us some, with marshmallows if it's possible."

Kreacher disapparated with a loud crack that made Teddy laugh.

"Very well, Edward, since your Godfather is an irresponsible git, your cousin will join you today. Tell me what are you doing?"

"Playing. What is git?" A wolf plushie in his small hands.

"I'll tell you later. That wolf is very pretty."

The boy looked around until he found another plushie, a dragon one.

"Dragon for cousin." He said pulling him closer to Draco.

"Thank you. But what do you think if we play something? Maybe a muggle game, I know from a very good source that you love those!"

The kid smiled and nodded, his hair turned slightly blue-ish. Draco's mouth curled up while his wand was moving.

"Accio scrabble."

He prepared the pieces under Teddy's attention.

"This is my favourite muggle game. You have to form words with the letters you take from the pouch and align them on the board. Understand? The one who gets more points wins!"

The boy doubted.

"But I don't know how to read."

"I know, this will help you." To articulate complete phrases. Merlin, who is his tutor? It's doing a dreadful job.

Draco started and then helped Teddy, repeating the sounds of the letters and asking him if he remembered something that sounded similar. The four-year-old was a quick learner.

An hour later the game was already safely placed in the games corner and Teddy was sitting in a chair next to Draco, trying his best to eat pasta.

"That's good, but look, is easier if you take your spoon in one hand and fork in the other. Then you simply rotate the fork.. just like that!" He said teaching him.

"Now, Edward, this is very important," Draco said solemnly. "When you finish eating, you must not put the cutlery back on the table. You delicately place them in this position across the plate, this means you enjoyed the food. After that, you take the napkin from your lap and bring it to your mouth to clean it. Remember, just a dab."

The boy, whose hair was completely white-blond by now, did as was told, trying to keep himself as straight as Draco.

After that, Teddy asked his cousin to read him a bedtime story. The kid curled in Draco's lap while the latter accio a book.

"Once upon a time..."

He read with a calming slow pace.

"The prince came to the old tower and opened the door to the room in which the princess lay fast asleep. She looked so beautiful that he could not take his eyes off her, so he stooped down and gave her a kiss. The moment he kissed her, she opened her eyes and awoke after 100 years. The prince and the princess marry and lived happily ever after. The end."

"Ugh, he kissed her?"

"Yes, _ugh_. You should never kiss someone who is unconscious, Edward. The story is horrifying, but muggles versions are less... scary."

"Mom and Dad kiss."

"Yes, my father and mother do that too. They do it because they are in love, but they already know each other and have consented to kiss."

"You kiss Harry too. Is he your Prince?"

"He is more like a menace if you ask me." He said smiling.

Teddy yawned and then nuzzled in Draco's arm, closing his eyes. Draco covered them with a wool blanket.

"Harry looks at you like that, cousin, he can't keep his eyes off you just like mom and dad." Teddy said while his hair was slowly turning from white-blond to brown as he fell asleep. 

The movement of the sofa woke Draco and he freaked out for a moment, Teddy was no longer on his lap.

"Relax. I put him to bed." Harry said smiling beside him.

"Harry James Potter, what were you thinking? You left Teddy under Kreacher's care!"

"Kreacher has raised generations of children, a pureblood like you should already know."

"Kreacher wasn't a nursing house-elf, Harry, is not the same! He calls him Wolf-baby!"

"You call him Wolf-baby too. And Edward which is a big name for a tiny kid."

"I do not. Not to his face and is a term of endearment. Edward is his name, what's the point of naming him after his ancestor if we are going to ignore said name."

"You are so ridiculous, but as your Prince, I must learn to bear with your weirdness."

Draco blushed.

"When did you arrive exactly?"

Harry grinned, nuzzled Draco's hair and rest his head on his boyfriend's shoulder.

"Between you teaching a child about consent and Teddy declaring that I love you."

"Well, he is a very smart wolf-baby, you _do_ love me."

"I do. And you love me." Harry kissed him.

"I do. For the record, I am your prince," Draco said.

"Even better, you are my dragon."

They fell asleep under the warmth of the fireplace with their finger intertwined. 

One of the perks of living with Harry Potter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end. This was silly. How do you talk about the action of 'accio' something or about the floo? Can't figure that out. Teddy is staying with them for the weekend because Harry is a loving godfather, Sirius will join the next morning, probably.  
> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments are always welcome and my Kreacher can take care of a baby... but from far away.


End file.
